Confessions of a self-proclaimed Suicidal Nihilist (Note to Nietzsche)

I
I have died a thousand times already
You will have lost me a hundred more
Before you even wake up.

II
A small suicide lives on the edge of my right side brain
He wears a red velvet jacket and pink ballet slippers
He has no teeth
His tongue stretches till Tuesday
He juggles razor blades.

III
Some people plan Birthday parties and weddings
I plan the number of pills I need to not wake up.

IV
You’re either in or you’re out
Half-lives are a waste of space.

V
There is performance in Death

VI
We live on borrowed time that we never pay back.



VII
There is nothing to mourn here
So wish me well and have a drink.

VIII
I want it to be quick and clean
I want them to think I fell into a deep sleep
There is no dignity
In having someone else wipe your brains off the carpet.

IX
I have accepted my mortality –
It just hasn’t accepted me.

X
It was a comedy –
That no one found particularly funny.

XI
At least I feel something –
It may not be what you want me to feel but at least I’m not numb.
At least I am present wading through it like some swamp thing
Lying to myself that it will get better.

XII
The saddest people I have ever known
Are the ones laughing the loudest,
The life and soul of the party
Telling jokes, smiling
As if to convince themselves they aren’t already dead.

XIII
I want you to know this is for the best
I want you to know that you can’t kill someone who is already dead.

XIV
You offer to help me find salvation in a pill.

XV
Not even Nietzsche could make me feel better

XVI
I imagine there is nothing after this
I imagine infinite silence
I guess that in itself would be something tolerable.

XVII
I don’t want to wake up every day feeling like something is missing
I’m tired of searching to find nothing
I have forgotten what it is to be happy
I think it must have all been some silly dream.

XVIII
Holocaust victims are climbing through my walls
I hear their bones rattling
They stare at me through the pavement cracks
They say ‘What the fuck are you still doing here?’

XIX
The caller you have dialed is unavailable. Please try again later.

XX
I dreamt I was walking on water – I could see the fish swimming beneath me – I could see the sun on the horizon. I felt like Jesus – ignored and irrelevant.

XXII
Stop making martyrs of yourselves – believe me there is no fucking point.

XXIII
I don’t remember myself the way you do.

XXIV
I wanted to be an original but someone beat me to it.

XXV
Keep your beliefs. I have no use for them.
I’d sooner choke on my own vomit than humour you.

XXVI
The only truth is to be found in a lie.

XXVII
There is performance in life
But I can’t act for shit.

XXVIII
You’re as unique as they’ll let you be

XXXIX
And what of the dead?

XXX
I have given it some thought.
There is no purpose to this poem.

XXXI
Take it from me – I don’t believe a word I said

XXXII
Love.