Reminder

Today
I’m so dark
I make night look bright
Luminous even
Lost in the loop of Dante’s inferno
I stretch supine and feline
Over the ache of myself
Trying to clip those old cling ons
That seek to make me their own
Twice I found myself on the precipice
Looking down on people like ants
And felt the drone of the city and myself too much to bear
Yet here I sit
With my cigarette lit
Watching daylight make a mockery of my out-of-time self
I tell a good joke
I’ll have you smiling like a child at Santa
But beyond today
I’ll be on the floor
In pseudo-artistic pieces of myself
Sucking up filth like a sponge
Hovering over the lie of myself
Bleeding into the soap suds
Like Plath on acid
And then you’ll see the core of me
And the broke down sum of my parts
Maggot infested decay
Of one sorry life
And then who’ll be laughing?
Tell me then
Who will then be the butt of your jokes?
The ambulance sirens hypnotize me
And the green of my soul numbs the red of my brain
And I felt like snow would clean me out
That pure cold longing
That wintry blight
Yet silence stamps on my temples
And calls out my name
And I’d rather be dry then out there in the rain
And I’d rather be dark
So I’ll recognize light
And I’d rather be wrong
Than pretend to be right
I’d rather be loud
Then never speak out
I’d rather believe
Than live in self-doubt
At least in the sorrow I know who I am
Fretting against myself and the world
Spewing up pieces of old reveries
Pretending is feeling without sympathy
The words are small bullets
I load in my gun
The killing is over
When the last joy is gone
They’ll splatter and splutter
And fall to the ground
We have to be lost in order to be found.
You’ll remember the blood on your linoleum floor
You’ll remember the blackbird who can’t sing anymore
You’ll remember the sensation of your heart going numb
The obliteration of self and what you’ve become
You’ll remind them all
That it’s never too late
To call up the universe and say
“Fuck you fate”.