tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33259273696645689852024-02-20T17:14:04.951-08:00Starfish WomanStarfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.comBlogger82125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-52578671147173872552010-05-20T04:08:00.000-07:002010-05-20T04:10:04.430-07:00Word WomanIf all you could know of me was this<br />Written down<br />A woman of word<br />Then so be it<br />As only paper and time can speak it<br />As truth<br />And knowledge<br />As a book<br />Wide open<br />A spine<br />Skin white like alabaster<br />Constructed of invisible flesh<br />Words like sinew and vein tied to you<br />Impossible flesh<br />Words<br />Transcribed on skin<br />In ink<br />Then so be it<br />A woman of word<br />A woman in paper and ink<br />A woman she shall be<br />Eyes brown<br />A scar on her right knee<br />The curve of her breast like a comma<br />Her nipple a full stop<br />Further still it will be written in bone<br />In pen<br />Fingertips searching the key pad of your light<br />Down<br />Again<br />Further down<br />Excavating sentences<br />Constructed in heat and moisture<br />Beating out their rhythm <br />Not unlike a heart<br />Not unlike a pulse<br />Then so be it<br />If all you are to know of me<br />Are words<br />And I am born of those words<br />Of their silken syllables<br />Their sex<br />Their longing<br />Words sprung forth<br />From <br />Deep wellsprings of desire<br />That fold into me<br />That fly from me<br />Like origami birds<br />Into the flame of your poetry<br />Then so be it<br />If this is all I can be<br />A word woman<br />A construction of a woman<br />A paper leaf on your burning treeStarfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-45483644816453371372010-05-20T04:06:00.000-07:002010-05-20T04:08:39.662-07:00Confessions of a self-proclaimed Suicidal Nihilist (Note to Nietzsche)I<br />I have died a thousand times already<br />You will have lost me a hundred more<br />Before you even wake up.<br /><br />II<br />A small suicide lives on the edge of my right side brain<br />He wears a red velvet jacket and pink ballet slippers<br />He has no teeth<br />His tongue stretches till Tuesday<br />He juggles razor blades.<br /><br />III<br />Some people plan Birthday parties and weddings<br />I plan the number of pills I need to not wake up.<br /><br />IV<br />You’re either in or you’re out<br />Half-lives are a waste of space.<br /><br />V<br />There is performance in Death<br /><br />VI<br />We live on borrowed time that we never pay back.<br /><br /><br /><br />VII<br />There is nothing to mourn here<br />So wish me well and have a drink.<br /><br />VIII<br />I want it to be quick and clean<br />I want them to think I fell into a deep sleep<br />There is no dignity<br />In having someone else wipe your brains off the carpet.<br /><br />IX<br />I have accepted my mortality – <br />It just hasn’t accepted me.<br /><br />X<br />It was a comedy –<br />That no one found particularly funny.<br /><br />XI<br />At least I feel something –<br />It may not be what you want me to feel but at least I’m not numb.<br />At least I am present wading through it like some swamp thing<br />Lying to myself that it will get better.<br /><br />XII<br />The saddest people I have ever known<br />Are the ones laughing the loudest,<br />The life and soul of the party<br />Telling jokes, smiling<br />As if to convince themselves they aren’t already dead.<br /><br />XIII<br />I want you to know this is for the best<br />I want you to know that you can’t kill someone who is already dead.<br /><br />XIV<br />You offer to help me find salvation in a pill.<br /><br />XV<br />Not even Nietzsche could make me feel better<br /><br />XVI<br />I imagine there is nothing after this <br />I imagine infinite silence<br />I guess that in itself would be something tolerable.<br /><br />XVII<br />I don’t want to wake up every day feeling like something is missing<br />I’m tired of searching to find nothing<br />I have forgotten what it is to be happy<br />I think it must have all been some silly dream.<br /><br />XVIII<br />Holocaust victims are climbing through my walls<br />I hear their bones rattling<br />They stare at me through the pavement cracks<br />They say ‘What the fuck are you still doing here?’<br /><br />XIX<br />The caller you have dialed is unavailable. Please try again later.<br /><br />XX<br />I dreamt I was walking on water – I could see the fish swimming beneath me – I could see the sun on the horizon. I felt like Jesus – ignored and irrelevant.<br /><br />XXII<br />Stop making martyrs of yourselves – believe me there is no fucking point.<br /><br />XXIII<br />I don’t remember myself the way you do.<br /><br />XXIV<br />I wanted to be an original but someone beat me to it.<br /><br />XXV<br />Keep your beliefs. I have no use for them. <br />I’d sooner choke on my own vomit than humour you.<br /><br />XXVI<br />The only truth is to be found in a lie.<br /><br />XXVII<br />There is performance in life<br />But I can’t act for shit.<br /><br />XXVIII<br />You’re as unique as they’ll let you be<br /><br />XXXIX<br />And what of the dead?<br /><br />XXX<br />I have given it some thought.<br />There is no purpose to this poem.<br /><br />XXXI<br />Take it from me – I don’t believe a word I said<br /><br />XXXII<br />Love.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-39241786467453067732010-05-20T04:03:00.000-07:002010-05-20T04:06:54.745-07:00MotherlandGrowing up white<br /> in stark contrast<br />Feeling my privilege like a tumor on my heart<br />Coming to know you<br />Like I never knew you<br />As if I had watched the lie of my childhood<br />In the old bioscope<br />With 3D glasses on<br />Through the lens of a telescope searching for stars<br />Through my mother’s lace curtains<br />From beneath those starched white sheets<br />Swaddled on the back of black<br />Like so many white children<br />Orphans to those women who raised them<br />Who left the townships <br />And cleaned our homes<br />Polishing the silver<br />Washing the clothes<br />Eating off enamel plates on the back stoep<br />In pretty pastel uniforms<br />Doeks on their heads<br />*Dom pas in their bra’s<br />While we sat happy<br />In our safe white city<br />And on the news* Die Groot Krokodil<br />Waved his finger like a tyrant<br />And everyone knew<br />That this was just survival<br />Best get them before they get you<br />If it wasn’t* Die Swart gevaar<br />It was the red one<br />Communists on the periphery<br />Every black man a *‘skelm’<br />Waiting to murder you in your warm bed<br />Waiting to rape your daughters<br />Waiting to steal from you<br />My Cuntry<br />My home<br />Torn from you<br />My whiteness like blight<br />Like an ulcer<br />This shameful skin <br />Scrubbed red<br />Surely bone will not betray me?<br />And still you find a way to hold me<br />In your broken arms<br />In your vast cradle<br />When others say you are not of this place<br />Go back to where you come from<br />*‘wit ou’<br />You have no volk<br />You have no clan<br />You have no right<br /><br />*Dumb pass – the identity document carried by black people during apartheid<br />*Die Groot Krokodil – The great Crocodile – Nickname for South African Apartheid president PW Botha<br />*Die Swart Gevaar – The Black Threat <br />*skelm – Afrikaans slang word for Villain, criminal.<br />*wit ou – white person (Afrikaans slang)<br /><br /><br />ii<br /><br />On the day I was born<br />Umkhonto we Sizwe<br />Blew up New Canada railway line in Soweto<br />1979<br /> ‘The year of the Spear’<br />I was dumb before a single word had passed my lips<br />I was unconscious<br />Infinite<br />A cup for your complication<br />A womb for your legacyStarfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-69295298909384785432010-05-20T04:02:00.000-07:002010-05-20T04:03:09.379-07:00CrossingTo quarrel with the one you love<br />Is to cross a boundary<br />The words despite their potency are irrelevant<br />There is only subtext<br /><br />It is to push a boulder across an imagined line<br />It asks a question<br />Not because it does not know the answer<br />But because it wants its truth to be confirmed<br /><br />In these moments<br />We dispense of our ammunition<br />We reach down into a base instinct<br />Love becomes a word for war<br /><br />We will strike for the tender place<br />We will find the Achilles heel<br />We are so close <br />We have no choice but to invite distance<br />Distance will preserve us<br />Retreat to protect<br /><br />I quarreled with my lover this morning<br />I felt his heart in my hand<br />And I squeezed it tight<br />In the absence of touch<br />I reached into him<br />Found a vein to inject the poison<br />Crossed the border<br />Declared myself at my best<br />The very worst<br /><br />I can’t help but think that in that moment<br />Through the salt of my tears<br />That it was not to be unkind or cause harm<br />It was to be heard and be seen<br />And to say <br />Will you love me nevertheless?Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-26511813841218278782010-05-20T04:00:00.000-07:002010-05-20T04:14:29.737-07:00VoyagerTrue to myself<br />The dog dances circles in pursuit of its tale<br />And the bride on your wedding cake ran away<br />This won’t be the end of it<br />Far from the point of no return<br />The prodigal son <br />Waits for the siren<br />To sing him off the rocks<br />3.43 am I sound the alarm of my own oblivion<br />Beyond the shipwreck of sheets<br />Tuesday is a symphony for a deaf man<br />And you have limpets for feet<br />It’s not that I don’t love you<br />Lesser men have died from such shrapnel<br />It’s just that in the loving<br />I lost a piece of myself<br />A part I liked and I want it back<br />We could have been great<br />Had the world not been such a bitch<br />You say it like you mean it<br />As you turn to go<br />And I can’t call your bluff<br />Because you aren’t bluffing<br />I’ve tired of salt and sweat<br />Days in the sun<br />For the pearl in your oyster<br />This game wears itself like a scarf<br />Easy come easy go<br />You say<br />Your heart<br />Locked like a tomb<br />And your eyes on backwards<br />I preferred it that way<br />The game and the glory<br />The heart quickening<br />Pulse racing<br />Promise of you<br />Without hope of definition<br />Worthy of poems<br />And Tulips<br />You’d say<br />Worthy of sweeping statements<br />And freshly ironed shirts<br />I have forgotten how to colour in the lines<br />Lipstick oozes out of the crease of my mouth<br />I bleed out<br />Lack depth<br />Float like seaweed<br />On the scar of your surface<br />We must be heading for some sort of grace<br />A crack in the skylight<br />A drop in the ocean<br />We must be<br />Raked smooth<br />Like Zen gardens<br />Feed off our own irony<br />Perish like plums<br />At nuances we fail to grasp<br />At innuendo at its best<br />At words that live their lives unformed<br />In mute mouths<br />In their Sunday best<br />So it shall be said<br />Before the disaster<br />Knocks the wind<br />Clean<br />Out <br />Of <br />Your sails.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-44090839230601528032010-05-20T03:57:00.000-07:002010-05-20T03:59:58.046-07:00(he)Art WorkYou are a work of he(art)<br />Twice today<br />I have lost myself to space<br />The gaping wounds of valleys<br />The hematite hills<br />That breathe their dust upon me<br />And felt<br />That had you been here<br />I could have held you within me<br />Beyond blue<br />Beyond cloud<br />Further still<br />My kiss unstuck<br />Searches the steady incline of your mouth<br />Nestling like a swallow<br />Sipping at your stem<br />Reaching further still<br />The horizon pulls the sun from slumber<br />And wakes the fields with soft caresses<br />How easily the landscape learns your name<br />How tirelessly it searches you out<br />Beyond fields of corn<br />Beyond the rushing river<br />Beyond the moist cool forest<br />This deliciously dipped desire<br />That knows only the unknowing<br />The undoing<br />The undone.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-65969816760874496192010-05-20T03:56:00.000-07:002010-05-20T03:57:51.222-07:00Mind's EyeI find myself<br />In this interior<br />Space<br />Laced with forgotten roses<br />Come full bloom<br />And archived<br />Books of childhood<br />Left open<br />To time and its mistresses<br />Ravaged<br />Memory<br />Calls for blood to make it sing<br />And familiar footsteps<br />Tread the boards of attachment<br />Light of foot<br />Fair of face<br />Here the bones bleached white rattle like wind chimes<br />And skin<br />Undone by nerve<br />Replenishes itself<br />With light elixir<br />And the promise of touch<br />A beacon on the horizon<br />Tissue and sinew absolved<br />Tear from muscle<br />And swim the current of desire<br />Beyond all reason<br />Impulses like demi gods<br />Throng through veins<br />To finger tips<br />That know only <br />Cerebral longing<br />Pupils dilated in fractured light<br />Spin resin and colour<br />Like Ferris wheels<br />And the tongue fallen mute<br />Sips the air<br />Like a serpent <br />Seeking knowledge beyond its shortcoming<br />Seeking out<br />An ally<br />In this reality<br />This border town<br />Of perception and plenty<br />That lives for logic<br />That ejaculates idealism<br />That spouts morals like a leaking tap<br />That swims in its own filth<br />But the mind holds court<br />In its viscous chamber<br />Where time floats<br />And thought swims<br />Beyond<br />The latch <br />And <br />Gate.<br /><br /><br />ii<br />Shards of broken glass<br />7 years bad luck<br />Your face running back to me<br />Through a maze<br />Of mind fucks<br />And burnt out promises<br />Spaces so dark<br />The light is afraid to travel<br />Buried so deep<br />The archeologist gave up<br />Fossil relics of old lovers<br />Dance with skeleton keys<br />Around necks that jiggle<br />Like sagging breasts<br />And unbirthed children<br />Laugh in silence<br />At repentant kisses<br />On a dead man’s cheek<br />Still cut up, shut up<br />Still the path of least resistance<br />We spit in fury<br />At the devastating decay beyond us<br />That rots<br />Turning further in on itself<br />Some scavenging rabid mole<br />Infecting the ground and all who walk on it<br />Swallowing summer swallows<br /><br />Iii<br />Love<br />In its aching glory<br />Stands at the gate<br />She is a wretched thing<br />With her heart on backwards<br />She plays a violin made from your ribcage<br />The bow grates against it<br />Air gasping for a lack of lung<br />Her stopwatch has run out of time<br />Her hair white down the length of her back<br />She has become fluid<br />She has become a tadpole<br />She swims like sperm up the creek of our desire<br />Burying her face and fortune<br />Like pirate treasure in the sand<br /><br />Iv<br />We hover above the cloudscape<br />Time zones<br />60 minutes ahead and behind<br />My autumn calls to your spring<br />These divergent seasons<br />Yearn for some kind of belonging<br />Phototrophic plants turn their faces to the sun<br />Their cheeks burnt black<br />Their eyes like embers<br />I have known you a thousand years<br />I recognize your face<br />Transitioning across our transition<br /><br />V<br />My hands are cold<br />I threw my gloves in the river<br />You watch me from your perch<br />A majestic hawk on the horizon<br />We are travelling beyond distance<br />We are unraveling like thread<br />We have become the paths we hoped to take<br />Laced with bread crumbs and love letters<br />We grow into this becuming<br />Lovers made loved<br />We are walking towards the coalface<br />We are feeding the flames<br />We are tilting towards something greater than our collective understanding<br />I have abandoned my fears<br />I have unhooked the clasps of chastity<br />I am opening like a flower<br />I am a summer orchid<br />Heady with perfume<br />Stamen ready<br />Ripe fruition<br />There is no sting in this taleStarfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-85673259596043552562010-05-20T03:54:00.000-07:002010-05-20T03:56:01.820-07:00Journey HomeClick here to begin<br />This will be the start of all our starts<br /><br />We have discarded our failures<br />The road ahead is free of thorns<br /><br />We have trimmed the jungle of self-doubt<br />We are paving a path to something <br />Pure<br /><br />I will know you as you have longed to be known<br />The stars have not forgotten you<br />The day is yours <br /><br />There are no stones to birth from this quarry<br />Rainwater filters the sand from its desire<br /><br />We are bright blue<br /><br />All my fears disappear<br />In the cup of your belonging<br />You<br /> Have consumed them with your light<br />Even the shade knows sun<br /><br />I have come to you with my hands open<br />I have raised my head to your fixed orbit<br />We can spin this any which way and it will come back full circle<br /><br />What we knew of love is stitched to all our tomorrows<br />They unfold like sun-warmed sheets<br />Clean and creased <br />With your body<br /><br />There is no sorrow here<br />There is no well deep enough to fill the spring of my hope<br />This thirst for you cannot be quenched<br /><br />I could live a hundred years<br /><br />And not want less<br /><br />Breathe beside me <br />Hold me to the point of your compass<br /><br />Write the map on my skin<br />For our children and their children<br /><br />Light the way with the torch of your mega watt smile<br /><br />I am blinking myself brilliant<br />With every step<br />I am walking on grass so soft and green<br /><br />I smell spring<br />I taste a season I have yearned for <br />I am never far away enough to lose sight of your radiance<br />I cannot be close enough<br />To touching god<br /><br />These are small things<br />I set them free at night<br />They have a name<br />It is yours<br /><br />They speak your language<br />They remember to dance<br />They are all poets in the making<br />They are beyond beautiful<br /><br />May I never lose sight of you<br />May I never grow complacent in my love<br />May I always feel you a minute away from leaving<br />And have enough in me<br />For you to want to stay<br /><br />May I offer you a bed to take root<br />May I feed you the water and light that will help you grow<br /><br />When you lie beside me<br />May your desire for me be as infinite as time<br /><br />May I never cause you a moment’s grief<br />May I sing my way into your heart with kisses<br />May I curl into your silence with deep contentment<br />May you never want for anything<br /><br />May you know me like no other<br />May I be enough<br /><br />The words are swallows seeking the sun<br />They spirit themselves to temperate climates<br />They flap their small wings<br />They have crossed the ocean<br />There were nights they thought they would not make it<br />Their hearts are beating<br />They are alive<br />They have come seeking you<br /><br />A nest <br />A haven<br /><br />There is a warmth in you I feel across the divide<br />All my past lives converge at this place<br /><br />I am weary traveler<br />I have nothing but hope<br />I am done searching<br />I am homeStarfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-89236210270446442712010-05-20T03:53:00.000-07:002010-05-20T03:54:36.253-07:00AquarianYou<br />Have plunged me<br />Some water and earth woman<br />Into depths of aquamarine<br />The violet sky<br />But a memory as it swallows the sun<br />And filters through its radiance<br />To the floor of this consuming ocean<br />That knows no bounds<br />My mouth opens to its presence<br />My body yields to its powerful grace<br />I am cast out to its magnificence<br />As it mirrors your face<br />This water birth<br />That shatters the limpets from their God-shaped rocks<br />That coaxes starfish from their salt beds<br />That exclaims in muted symphonies from whale songs learnt long ago<br />Some kind of paradise<br />Some kind of luminescence<br />As I gasp for the joy of it<br />Immersed in its enquiry<br />Today<br />My eyes washed clear<br />The concentrated vision distilled as if watching myself anew<br />Clarity ringing its heart bells<br />Clarity no longer a shipwreck<br />Hope like a pearl in the palm of my hand<br />And I wondered<br />If this is how it must feel<br />For fish<br />To gauge green.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-66262783158039045552010-05-20T03:52:00.000-07:002010-05-20T03:53:14.397-07:00A Different WomanA different woman<br />Wakes to stark light<br />With shadow kisses and torn up dawn<br />Where white curtains<br />Exhale the night<br />And hadeda’s eat up the moonStarfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-19234566686614316772010-03-26T04:37:00.000-07:002010-03-26T04:44:16.606-07:00LocusGeographically<br />This graphite papyrus marked rush<br />Brushed with old hieroglyphics<br />Marks<br />A trade route<br />Star strung<br />Locus in quo<br />In rapture<br />Beating like some ancient winged thing<br />To the sky born<br />Pockets of air and light<br />Through the creases of trees<br />The hands left mute<br />Dumbstruck<br />Space climbers beg for stars<br />Fuel of fury<br />Marks left untorn<br />Unmapped<br />A continent raised on flesh<br />On blood burnt black<br />To seed<br />I go<br />Vowels from toothless mounds<br />Gasp and exclaim<br />Escaping sound like water bubbles<br />Geographically<br />Mapped<br />A solid line of mountains and causeways<br />Hell bent<br />Decisive<br />This collusion<br />This gap<br />From heart<br />Apart<br />Yet so close<br />So very close<br />To the place<br />It first learnt<br />To singStarfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-62444810561605020892010-03-24T01:07:00.000-07:002010-03-24T01:09:07.146-07:00NamingThere at the bottom of the garden<br />Beyond the mole heaps<br />And compost<br />Grew our anonymity<br />Risen as if from nothing<br />A division of the indivisible<br />A waking into sleep<br />The dream that never was<br />There from a bed of twigs and moss<br />It at once unbecoming<br />Unbirthed<br />From neither woman nor she<br />Rose splendid and unknown<br />For lack of itself<br />Haunting nothing<br />Saying nothing<br />Still born<br />Relentless<br />And yet nothing looms into something<br />Where at first nothing could be<br />And colour-kissed <br />The unknown at once becomes a book with lined pages<br />A pen with enough ink<br />A face recognizable<br />A person at once personable<br />A name.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-15867148254756754882010-03-24T01:06:00.000-07:002010-03-24T01:07:36.792-07:00KnowingSurely<br />Before light knows it is light<br />It believes it is darkness<br />And letting go of that shadow skin<br />Struck by its own luminescence<br />Casts itself apart from that black opacity<br />And once torn from it<br />Is something else altogether<br />Something other<br />Surely it is at this moment <br />That light cannot go back<br />Retain itself in cup or cavern<br />Cling to shadows<br />Pose as dark<br />It can only shed itself<br />Crawl through holes and curtains<br />Splayed fingers<br />Keyholes<br />Peep through possibility<br />Refract unrefrained<br />Until you open <br />Your eyes to the glareStarfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-64141280744696284902010-03-02T06:40:00.000-08:002010-03-02T06:46:47.319-08:00JourneyI slammed the door on inadequacy<br />Its skull burning a shadow on my left eye<br />White moths dissolve<br />In flame anthems<br />Flickers of debris<br />On you slate grey sky<br /><br />I wore my hair long for winter<br />A velvet curtain down the innocence of my back<br />To part for you a Dead Sea<br />Voyaging the map of your hands<br /><br />We have a happy medium here<br />A witch for the wizardry of your words<br />We have enough passion to fill the dam of years<br />We lose course asking for apology<br />Knowing beyond all knowing<br />That without the other<br />The world would be born of martyrs<br />And joy put to sleep.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-66040822502298721952010-03-02T06:35:00.000-08:002010-03-02T06:40:05.881-08:00OtherI always felt my otherness acutely<br />It radiated from my skin like black winged butterflies<br />Struck the light somehow inferior<br />Left me empty<br /><br />You were his passion<br />Surely?<br />You for whom he lost his love<br />Like some gnawed bone<br />In a garden over run with weeds<br /><br />What was it <br />About you that <br />Clung<br />So fiercely<br />A creeping vine on the face of time<br />What lay buried<br />In the brilliantly painted sarcophagus of your smile?<br /><br />Many a night<br />I raced through the celluloid track of that old camera<br />Burning spools of misery and regret<br />Developing imaginings where you were the other<br />Wondering if you could fare as well as I <br />In this half life<br /><br />Yet still<br />I painted you victorious<br />Children on your knee<br />Your faithful, loving husband<br />Whittling away the years<br />Spent on your restoring love<br /><br />I longed to be you<br />Although I detested you<br />Raged against your <em>haves </em>and <em>wants</em><br />Beat you into a palatable pill<br />That I could swallow<br />Tolerate<br />Give in to.<br /><br />What impossible latch key had you swallowed<br />Stored in the pit of your clear glass belly?<br />His faith clipped and pasted onto your skin<br />Like a religion of knowing<br />Lighting the votive of his sad, sweet smile<br /><br />pushed and pulled like some magnet<br />Everything brought you closer to me<br />The world grew into <br />My desire to inhabit you<br />Quell my own inadequacies<br />Harvest its rewards<br /><br />I am older now<br />Your vision looms more quietly<br />It no longer trips me on the stairs<br />Envy gives way to pity<br />Apology to regret<br />All this time we were much the same<br />Looking for ourselves<br />In the drawn faces of each other.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-79013298785151185262010-02-23T04:52:00.000-08:002010-02-23T04:56:01.142-08:00RootI had come out of the flood<br />Exposed like a root<br />Vulnerable<br />To the chopping of a woodsman’s axe<br />Twisted<br />I had siphoned off the blood<br />Like some failed serpent<br />Born of dust<br />I had no offerings<br />This gnarled effigy<br />Made all the uglier<br />By it’s lack of green<br />I had absorbed the colour of earth<br />Like litmus paper<br />Had become that in which I thrived<br />Yet lost myself<br />No one remarks of the root<br />When admiring the tree<br />The branches and leaves- <br />A trunk on which to lean<br />These are the beauties<br />Not the furled fingers of a love knot<br />Soaking up water and nitrogen<br />Breathing into the breadth <br />Above it<br />Like a respirator<br />Like a reminder<br />Like a death.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-19605154238553985302010-02-20T08:09:00.000-08:002010-02-20T08:12:25.245-08:00PremonitionWe lost you the first day of spring<br />Ironic when you think about it<br />You found salvation in the knot of rope<br />From which you hung without explanation<br />Instead we had to make sense of it<br />Had to lay ourselves to waste and blame<br />Had to ask the hard questions<br />The ones no –one can answer<br />Except of course in platitudes and pity.<br />I remember that day clearly<br />The sky a brilliant blue <br />Not a cloud in sight<br />A young boy approached me on the way into work<br />“Donation please madam” Flowers for the deceased<br />I shrugged my shoulders<br />No one dies on days like these<br />Just that morning<br />I inhaled the scent of jasmine on the breeze<br />And the world passed through me <br />Distilled<br />A brighter better bearing forth of itself<br />Driving home<br />Caught in a spring shower<br />I thought of you<br />Hoping beyond hope<br />That kindness would find you.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-17197962723011712732010-02-20T08:08:00.000-08:002010-02-20T08:09:30.067-08:00SpaceSpace<br />Infinite<br />I seek to contain myself<br />In square feet from your heart to mine<br />A length measured<br />In what?<br />Silence?<br />The way the light creeps under the door?<br />Counting heartbeats<br />Quantifying sadness<br />Draining sorrow<br />Degorging myself with salt<br />Space<br />Lately<br />Is a wound<br />Failing to scab over<br />Failing to illicit anything but <br />Hit<br />And miss(ing)<br />How much is enough?Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-20905453809409671782010-02-20T08:03:00.000-08:002010-02-20T08:34:29.701-08:00BirthdayIt was my birthday today and you did not call.<br />I waited all day.<br />The phone stared back – mute and dumb until I ripped out the plug. <br />At least then I could imagine you tried and found the line engaged and thought I was talking to another man<br />At least you would think I’ve moved on.<br /><br />I bought a cupcake from the bakery on the corner – the icing was fuchsia and it was sprinkled with hundreds and thousands<br />I nursed this guilty pleasure – opening the box and placing it on a plate – from every angle I found it most pleasing – a work of art really.<br /><br />I was six again all over – a fairy princess in a plastic tiara – I had not yet learnt to fret or worry – had not known any kind of pain aside from bruises and scraped knees, joy was a deep well in the middle of my heart – rain was the worst it got. Unscathed by ravages of time and plot – the stories I wrote were of princesses and peas and faraway castles drawn in crayon with glittery blue skies where girls with long blond hair played dress up and dreamt of Princes and sometimes kissed frogs.<br /><br />I stared at that cupcake for a time. I hate to say it but it made me cry – at the end of all that I couldn't’t stomach a single mouthful. <br /><br />Why don’t you love me?<br /><br />I just can’t seem to move past this<br /><br />This eternal question<br /><br />Am I ugly?<br /><br />Rude?<br /><br />Unkind?<br /><br />Unlovable?<br /><br />God knows there are unlovable people on this planet – but even they had mothers. Hitler was loved – he killed six million people and Eva she still loved him.<br /><br />You say you can’t love me<br /><br />I never killed anyone<br /><br />So why the fuck is it so hard?<br /><br />somewhere between then and now I got lost in grief and cannot for the life of me get out – I guess some people just take things harder, bruise easier, don’t recover from knocks, don’t roll with the punches, fall and can’t get up, cut and don’t heal. I blame my parents really for tucking me away in that world – where little girls remain little girls – at some point we have to grow up and then what? <br /><br />We meet you at a bookstore with glasses on the end of your nose and a wayward fringe smelling of clean rain and mystery, reading books by Russian authors and pouring over pictures of the surrealists<br /><br />And you look up at us and your eyes are unlike any blue we’ve ever seen and suddenly it’s hot and the room spins and we’re finding ourselves pulled in like fish on the end of a long line – gasping, fighting, letting go. <br /><br />You take me to your apartment on the 13th floor – you light candles and pour wine – you quote Keats and Byron – you light incense – you say things like “you’re beautiful’ – you touch the small of my back, you knot my hand in yours, you stroke my hair, you cook me dinner, you read me stories, you show me photos of you at five with your sister, you tell me about your first love and how she broke your heart, you tell me that you have waited all your life to meet me, you are my soul mate you say – it slips off your tongue onto my lap and I cradle the words like a cat in my arms – <br /><br />We eat Chinese takeout and watch Bruce Lee films – you make me a mix tape with songs from the 80’s – no-one ever did that for me before – you make me tea and tickle my back, you write me poems, you say I want you and no other – you make the world spin and stand still – you eat the stars – you milk the moon – you juggle the sun – you open the windows and the light comes in – and the curtains draw breath and I breathe – I breathe deeply this want of you – this ache for you – this warm deep moss scented lust for you – and I unfold my arms and my hearts fist becomes a palm and I spread my legs and arch my back and take you in to all my nighttimes where fireflies tap-dance and moths make love to the light bulb and words become themselves in Technicolor and bold fluorescence and days overlap one another shouting out the years behind them – saying follow me! Follow me! – And it’s so goddamn beautiful. <br /><br />I can’t shake you. Nothing restores me. I get lost in familiar streets – bruises appear and never leave, there are all these edges and corners, no soft landings – no down duvets. I’ve inscribed you beyond my heart – you are written on my bones – nothing can take you from me – nothing can let me be. <br />My therapist gave up on me. The medication makes me sick. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t remember much of who I was before without regret, I am afraid of the dark and my face in the mirror.<br /><br />You must know this is not me<br />There are places inside me even you could not go<br />I wonder had I shown them to you would you have stayed? Everyone needs a bit of mystery. That’s what the magazines say.<br />Don’t shave your legs in front of him; don’t let him see you without make up, <br />I let you shave me<br />I let you wear my lipstick<br />It’s all my fault.<br /><br />My cousin killed himself two months ago – I got the call at 10.55pm on a Sunday night. <br />The caretaker of his property said that that day he had never seemed happier – he played with her children, ate a good meal and laughed.<br />You have to wonder why he did it. There was no note and no goodbye.<br />Maybe some people aren’t meant to be happy<br />Maybe there isn’t enough to go round <br />Happiness I mean<br />Maybe there is just not enough<br />Or maybe some people are not that resilient – maybe when they bruise they just rot away inside – dry out like pressed flowers<br />Maybe some of us can’t regenerate back to joy<br />Maybe some of us have no capacity for it<br />It is elusive and evasive<br />It grows in other gardens beyond great walls topped with electric fences<br />Out of sight and out of reach<br />I don’t know why I’m telling you this.<br />I’m okay you know<br />I get out of bed each morning and jump in the shower<br />I go to work<br />I read on the train<br />I do cross word puzzles<br />It is a life this<br />A small and delicate one-<br />Yet a life nonetheless.<br /><br />I probably wouldn’t have taken your call anyway<br />It’s not like we’d have anything to say to one another<br />I’d get angry and go all-quiet<br />You’d shout<br />It would probably be really miserable<br />Because I would have had an expectation of you that you could not possibly fulfill<br />And disappointment on your Birthday is not what you want<br />Especially when you are well aware<br />That you’re not getting any younger<br />And your hair is going decidedly grey<br />And you may only have another few good years to be fertile and conceive a child<br />Yup.<br />Disappointment on your birthday – not a good thing.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-27422860592326296632010-02-14T10:17:00.000-08:002010-02-14T10:21:43.827-08:00OrpheusMy mother warned me of boys like you<br />In gaijin clothes<br />Jeans and leather jackets<br />And slicked back hair<br />But I had already written my fortune on your heart<br />fastening time to your scars like a lithograph<br />I knew this would be the season of my life<br />That the cherry blossoms would herald in my becoming<br />That those still nights<br />Spent sipping the stars<br />Were not in vain<br />That you would be waiting<br />Beyond the corseted days<br />Stitching silence to sound<br />Silence <br />That speaks itself<br />Hoarse<br />That shouts in its solitude and sadness<br />That beats like a drum<br />Against my temples<br />And you<br />The portrait of you<br />Sketched so vividly<br />In colours bright<br />Clung to my retina<br />Burnt to my brain<br />Your fateful force<br />An oncoming bullet train<br />My lips shut tight<br />To the knowing<br />Of light<br />And the crystallized ember<br />Burning like a torch<br />In your chest<br />Brilliant<br />And beguiling<br />Cut through me like a cello chord allowed to soar<br />Vibrantly vibrating<br />And the drum was my heart<br />And the music your hands<br />And your smile<br />The song.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-56647610469574535882010-02-14T10:15:00.000-08:002010-02-14T10:17:24.960-08:00PardonThe roses have drunk their fill of sentiment<br />Blush cut<br />Deeply dipped <br />Ermine fronds<br />They wilt at the open window<br />Their crushed faces defeated<br />The walls of your room are duck egg blue<br />And your mother’s lace curtains breathe into the room with the scent of Jasmine<br />And Summer on the wing<br />I will not return<br />We have played our parts with aplomb<br />And now<br />Softly out-sung by birds and bees<br />We will take our leave<br />The knowing of you burns an ember in my forehead<br />I am stripped bare in the understanding<br />Splayed naked<br />On the bed of our crucifixion<br />I have spent enough time in the owning of words<br />Like <em>love</em> and <em>forever</em><br />Have learnt enough of those girlhood lessons<br />Stitched like parables to the sleeve of my shirt<br />You will know me as I am<br />You will know of these dark waters<br />Where swans no longer frolic<br />And stones sink suffocated in moss<br />I have spent a spring in full swoon<br />My heart a ripe crimson plum<br />Picked from the bough of your smile<br />Strung like fairy lights over the hope of your hands<br />Now,<br />Quiet and still my love<br />The forgotten stirring of lust marked by love<br />Flies from me<br />A spirit to the sky<br />And the walls of this room trap our voices<br />As if we are swimming in deep green seas<br />I no longer know this love<br />It has become a stranger at the door<br />It says your name<br />Letters roll off my lips<br />Get lost in the carpet<br />Become ghosts<br />Rocking themselves to sleep in the backyard swing<br />Laughing like naughty children<br />Impish and without conscience<br />These<br />Clean cut<br />Incisions<br />These break ups<br />Seem to be the only source of truth<br />And in the aftermath<br />Comes again<br />The living.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-71914951688980306342010-02-14T08:41:00.000-08:002010-02-14T10:14:34.856-08:00ValentineYou wrote me a valentine<br />On a crumpled serviette<br />Stained with grease<br />And laced with tobacco<br />In a Chinese restaurant<br />In the centre of Kyoto, Japan<br />The pen tore through the flimsy fibres<br />And the pen ran out of ink<br />Despite your efforts to revive it<br />I could not make head nor tail of<br />Some of the words<br />Inky scratchings<br />Poor penmanship<br />You left it on the table<br />Casually directing my eye to it<br />Apologetically<br />You collected your coat<br />And I watched<br />As you walked out into the snow<br />As I picked it up and found it <br />Crumpled like a bird in my hand<br />It sat weighted by words and<br />Signed <em>with love</em><br />This strange and beautiful thing<br />This offering<br />I almost wished<br />It meant less than it did<br />That those feelings could be returned<br />As easily<br />And simply as they were given<br />I watched you cross the street<br />Stooped over against the cold<br />And I shed a silent tear<br />Over my dim sum<br />Knowing I had hurt you<br />Knowing that I may not get another valentine quite like this<br />Lost in sadness and regret<br />I blew my nose into the heart of your words<br />And walked out into the biting air<br />Alone<br />AgainStarfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-79182073685447796342010-01-24T11:39:00.000-08:002010-01-24T11:41:09.597-08:00VioletViolet<br />Buried on a Wednesday<br />I stood at your graveside<br />As the rain drowned in itself<br />And the unkempt graveyard sang through the grass<br />Flowers wilted on headstones<br />Erosion and misuse<br />Forgotten<br />The gravedigger had fashioned a neat mound of soil<br />A single wooden stake with your name in black<br />It seemed a lifetime passed<br />As they lowered you into that grave<br />The minister said<br />‘Lettuce pray’<br />And I wanted to laugh<br />At the absurdity of it all<br />And the loss of you<br />A truant schoolboy flew past on his bicycle<br />His scabby knees and the shush of the wheels on the muddy path<br />Called of freedom<br />Birds on the wing<br />Escape<br />And I saw you cut loose of that coffin<br />Dancing above us in an azure blue dress<br />And like much of this life<br />The living becomes<br />Somehow<br />Second rate<br />And <br />Inconsequential.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-91166732832687007872010-01-24T11:37:00.000-08:002010-01-24T11:39:53.841-08:00Night/DayWhat happened to those nights of beauty and splendor<br />Moths beating out symphony’s against the light bulb with their wings<br />And you playing scratchy old Leonard Cohen records<br />Nights where sleep bayed like a wolf at the moon<br />And silence was the beating of your heart against my own<br />Nights where the pregnant moon stood vigil like a sentinel<br />And sleepy stars blinked and winked their way to earth<br />So close and vivid I could cup them like water in the palm of my hand<br />Nights I held you to me like a child at my breast<br />No one could touch or know us except ourselves<br />In that room<br />With its peeling paint and old armoire<br />Evenings sipped from gin bottles where the heat hung like a veil<br />And the only mystery<br />Was the love you guarded like Cerberus at the gate<br />The love you scattered on baron earth<br />With other women <br />In other hotels<br />With simple names and lives<br />Those goddesses of the shadows<br />Who loomed like giants in my imagination<br />Who beckoned to me like ghosts<br />In cigarette smoke and perfume.<br />What happened to those nights<br />And the warm shell of your arm<br />And the boat of your body<br />Which sailed me home<br />It seems a lifetime ago<br />The years swallowed the tears<br />Kindness learnt soon forgotten<br />Daylight<br />A torch on the wreckage.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3325927369664568985.post-6233617636536626452010-01-24T11:35:00.000-08:002010-01-24T11:37:15.521-08:00GoodbyeThis is for you<br />This is time cut loose charging to infinity<br />This is rain on a tin roof beating out the syllables of your name<br />These things will speak to you<br />They have no choice<br />It will be so<br /><br />This is for you<br />This is my heart knot<br />The bleeding is done<br />Siphoned off, clamped<br />This is not a love poem<br />You cannot be loved<br />By me<br /><br />This is for you<br />This is the eulogy<br />The grand epiphany<br />The Demi-gods have fallen<br />Chaos in the streets <br />This is the conquering hand of my revolution<br />Complete.Starfish Womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02403587726631985346noreply@blogger.com0